my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
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I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Please don't give away my fajitas
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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