Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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