Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
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