i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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