What tipped you off? The sombrero?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
