Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
