he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Randomize
