I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
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