Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Randomize
