I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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