My sheets look like a crime scene.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
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His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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