i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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