ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Ketchup is God's man juice
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
