come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
