end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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