Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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