It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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