Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
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A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
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I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.