i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
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