Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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