I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
