i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
