I'm so fucking centered right now
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Randomize