I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
