Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
