It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
