I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
