how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
