He uses pillows to masturbate.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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