I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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