me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
birth control should be required to get into college
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
