so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
