Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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