Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
The feeling are messing with the penis
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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