Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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