I am spending my child support on dildos
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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