I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
