Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
