If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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