well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
3pm strippers are depressing
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
