I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
