Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
