oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
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