im six kinds of drunk right now
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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