I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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