i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
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After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
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Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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