I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
