I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
are you so shy because you have an std?
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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