wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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