Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
