Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
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