Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
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I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
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the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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