News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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