so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
