I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Watching her eat just hurts me
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
