I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
