I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
