I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
